One of a Kind Workplace

Every office job has its quirks and oddities. Most of the time though, they're pretty damn boring. NOT THIS OFFICE.

If you've never heard of East St. Louis, Illinois, I can describe it as poverty-stricken, predominantly African American, and a high crime rate. I have spent my days in a small property management office for over 14 years in this city, behind bullet proof glass and steel doors.

When I started working there, I began to realize that events in this area of the country are definitely out of the ordinary. Over the years, I started to write everything down that I found funny or unbelievable to the "rest of the world", as to one day find a medium to share such things...............................

You're Welcome:

It's called an S-Trap

Our maintenance man goes out to fix a bathroom sink. The tenant screams at him and tries to rip the pipes out of the wall...because "these pipes are supposed to be straight! They're in an S shape!!!"

It's the latest fashion

Lady comes into the office to make a rent payment with a Walmart bag as a hat....then pees on the floor. Later that same year, our maintenance man went to her house to fix something. She answered the door butt naked in all of her dark wrinkled glory!! It is unknown if she had the Walmart bag hat on or not.

Magic changing copy machine

A confused customer signs a document and wants a copy of it. I told her that I needed the paper back in order to make a copy. She argues "but I want this one! Will the copy have the words changed!?"

Recycle!

An older woman dies so we have to go in and clean out her home. The stench is unbelievable...and we soon found out why. She had been "recycling" toilet paper by hanging it to dry (and yes, re-using it)

Predictable Virus

A customer called the office to say that he couldn't make his payment this month due to his contracting West Nile Virus, but don't worry "I'll be in tomorrow"

Could you tell your friend to leave please

Dude came in trying to have a serious conversation with me.. it's extremely hard to take someone seriously when they have a dead roach hanging in their hair

That's not how this works

A man calls us while sitting in our lobby. When we hung up the phone, we see him walk out. Does he think you have to be AT the place you're calling for the call to go through?

Crossed phone lines?

A customer answered his phone and says "oh man, I was hoping you guys would call me! My cell phone and everything was stolen!". Um, we called him on his cell phone

I'm not sure what "street" means

A young lady calls and says "you all have a house on Caseyville Avenue. I'm trying to find out where it's located, like...what street it be on"

My cuz

We called a customer to ask "when will you be sending in a payment on your account?". This renard says "I need to call my cuz because he said I had an extra 30 days". Apparently family members set our payment dates now?

Full moon in the hood

We were posting a 'for sale' sign and the tenant comes running out screaming and tears up our sign. Our guy started taking pictures as to prove property damage, she exclaims "you like taking pictures!? Take pictures off my ass!".... you can guess what happened next. Yup, mooned

Paint and blunts

A woman comes into the office screaming at us about how her kids are going to be taken away due to lead paint on the windows... then sat down in the lobby and lit a blunt, with her baby in the pumpkin seat right next to her

She fucked him up

We called a customer's home to ask about payment and got his wife. She was very nice and polite when she said "well, he won't be in today since it's so late in the afternoon, but I assure you he will be in tomorrow after I'm done fucking him up. You have a blessed day"... I liked her

Not sure how it relates

A customer gets a hold of us to tell us why she hasn't made a payment. She says "my daughter's boyfriend shot a Po Po and the feds put her in hiding"

Electrical drunk

A tenant calls about some electrical problems she thinks she has. "when I was intoxicated I noticed there was some wires missing in some rooms". So..... when she was sober, did they appear?

Where my hoes stay

A young man tenant gets a ticket from the city for having too many people living in the house. He told my boss "if my hoes wanna come up in here and f*&^ and suck my d&^% that's my business". He had a good point

I think she probably did need a prescription for that

A woman comes into the lobby and just stands there staring at the window not saying a word. I asked her what she needed help with, but she wouldn't answer. After about the fifth time she yells "I don't need a prescription for that! You can't make me!" and sprints out of the building

Give this dude a calculator

A guy studies his receipt and says "my balance was $11,700 and now it's $11,480 I don't see where it's going down none!"

Robber friends are the best friends

A customer talks to us about the repairs he is starting to do on a house. "I need to get me a ladder to fix that siding. I know a guy, he does a lot of robbin' houses so he should have one I can borrow"

Stinky sandwiches

One of our customers smells like piss and shit so badly that we have to deodorize every time he leaves. He was talking about his job so we asked what he did for a living. "I clean and sanitize the (insert sandwich factory here..to avoid a law suit you'll have to guess)

We do not train buildings

A young man called us and asked if he had to go to school to "be a Real Estate" or do we train them. At least he had a dream

Cooking George Washington

I hate it when customers pay with wet money. You never know why it's wet, but at least this woman tried to have some common courtesy. She says "sorry about all the crinkled money. It got wet and I had to put it in the oven to dry it"

New Year's Day is on a different date this year

Customer: "put me down for Tuesday"

Cashier: "we are going to be closed Tuesday. That is New Year's Day"

Customer: "oh, well put me down for the 1st then"

House in your imagination

A woman called about a house for sale and tells us "chargin that much!? I went by and it looked all tore up!". I told her that we could always negotiate and she responds with "oh ok. where is that house anyway?". How did she go by it?

We don't tattle

Young guy in his 20s called to apologize for not making a payment as arranged. He says "I am really sorry I didn't come in yesterday. I forgot...ok, really I got high, but don't tell my mom

Crack comes first

A young man calls to tell us he will be in to pay on his account with his disability check after some priorities. "gotta pay off that light bill....and that crack dealer. He about to kill me"

Better late than never

Man comes into the office asking if he could get any money from a previous sale he was involved in. We sold his mother's house for him.......in 1970

He builds upside down houses

Contractor calls about a house we hired him to work on and says "that's a rough house. I'm gonna have to start over from the roof up!"

Loan to yourself?

A customer called to ask if she could borrow some money....so she can pay her rent to us

Now that's how you arrest someone

I was driving home and saw a cop, and the person he had pulled over was handcuffed. The cop and the person were hip-hop dancing together right smack in middle of MLK Drive

One hell of an outfit

Woman came in and asked for a house list...wearing one Ugg boot, one tennis shoe, PJ pants, tank top, holding a wooden spoon

That's a good question

We have a tenant that is a bit of a paranoid. She calls frantically asking "you told me to call the police if someone won't get outta my yard. What if it IS the police?"

Off switch + stove = vent

A tenant calls and complains that her bathroom vent isn't working. Our guy goes out there and she has the oven and the stove burners on to heat the house. Her furnace is turned off at the thermostat. Well ma'am, that's why the vent isn't working. She says "yea because I'm not ready to turn the furnace on! But that doesn't explain why the vent isn't blowing any hot air". Actually, yes, yes it does

Our company vehicles are not lawnmowers

A neighbor to one of our houses calls to tell us that someone is taking the hot water tank out of the house. She wanted to know if it was someone from our office. I ask her "what are they driving?"... the answer? A lawnmower

Great neighborhood

A potential customer calls and says "you have a house on Lynch Avenue, I couldn't get the address though because I was being chased by a prostitute"

Holy house sale

Another wonderful random phone call: "I bought a house from God and he's gonna give me the money to get the yard built around it. Can I mail you the application?"

TO BE CONTINUED AS THE GHETTO LIVES ON................

October 2017 update

Gettin' On It

a notorious prostitute has not made her payments as agreed, we told her that her account is getting ready to be sent to court. She says "well I guess I better get on some money then". ... *shudders*

Invisible Receipt

we have a real jerk of a customer that of course, does not pay well. He claims that he "made a payment last week" but couldn't tell me who he gave the money to. I told him to bring in a receipt then so I can give him credit on his account. His response "I don't know about a receipt. Don't you have a copy of it?".... not for a payment that doesn't exist, no I do not

#ghetto #funny #truestories