13 Things Your Butt Can Make

While sitting down with the family last night, our conversation steered towards weird and gross (as they typically do). I asked their opinions on topic ideas and within 1.5 minutes, my fiance' and teenage daughter had been yelling out types of poop like it was the freakin' lightning round of a game show.

Of course, I had to share the knowledge that I've collected... where else will you all learn such important and accurate things?

Rainbow Poo

this happens when your diet consists of large amounts of knock-off Trix Cereal. More fascinating than any normal sky rainbow. It kind of floats there like a rainbow filled body-created poo cloud.

The Turtle Poo

you're making your way to the bathroom at Walmart as fast as you possibly can, but there's an old guy on a cane right in your way. Your poo tries to make an appearance by poking it's stinky little head out, but you say "no! stay in your home!" and it sucks back in... you make it around the old fart and to the toilet just in time

Waterfall Poo

your gut is wrenching, pretty sure that shrimp at the buffet went bad. You sit down and ahhh, wait...is that pee!? Nope..that waterfall is coming from your butt. You might want to stay close to the bathroom today

No Wipe Poo

you know for a fact you went, you heard the plop. But, when you go to wipe, there's nothing on the toilet paper. Try another swipe just to be sure, but you most likely just lucked out

You Might Need To See A Doctor Poo

that thing was so damn big that you're pretty sure you ripped your sphincter. There's blood on the toilet paper and in the water. It even hurts to walk afterwards. Monitor that bum hole closely

Cripple Poo

this typically only appears once you've lost the use of your legs for a couple of years. You may not feel it's coming, but when it does... holy mother of god.. it literally takes your breath away. It stinks up the entire house in such a way that you hear people coughing in the living room. Your family can just hope that your lack of a gas mask while sitting in your own stench isn't the cause of your premature death

Period Poo

not to be mistaken with the "you might need to see a doctor poo", this is a mess that happens during a woman's monthly cycle. Poop isn't the only thing that's coming out down there and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. Do your best to clean up after yourself so no one thinks it's a fucking murder scene

Holy Crap the Crap is Everywhere Poo

quite the opposite of the "no wipe poo", this unfortunately seems to happen most in public bathrooms when all you have is the cheap shitty (pun intended) toilet paper. You wipe and wipe and it's like it just won't go away. Before you know it, it's on your thighs, your hands, and under your fingernails. You will then run out of toilet paper and hope you have someone waiting around that you can embarrassingly ask to give you a couple wet paper towels

David Copperfield Poo

You go, or so you thought, stand up to flush and the damn thing disappeared!! Is it hiding in the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? You should still flush just in case, or it will pop up to smile at the next bathroom goer

Easter Bunny Poo

This is probably not the healthiest that your crap looks more like a bunch of super brown eggs. No biggie, at least you learned how the Easter Bunny does it

The Porta-Poo

You're at an outdoor event in 90-degree weather, and the only bathroom available is the Johnny-on-the-Spot sitting in the parking lot in full sun. Can you hold it until you get home? Not a chance. It's either this or carrying the stinky luggage you're about to make in your pants all day. Make your dookie as fast as you can so no one finds you cooked to death with your pants around your ankles

The DMV Poo

The line for the DMV is horrific and it's your last day before your temp tags expire on your car. You just have to get through it and your stomach is churning. You're 4 people away from being called and you let out a quiet fart...except you don't think that was a fart. No way in hell are you going to leave the line to go check. Just don't move around too much as to avoid chaffing and more smell escaping. Act natural, pretend to be offended by the smell, and blame it on the guy in overalls in front of you

The Sticky Poo

Everything seems normal, until you flush. The damn turd is stuck to the side of the bowl. After flushing three more times it's still there holding on for dear life, laughing at you. Instead of mucking up your toilet brush, you spend the next two days aiming your piss at it as a fun game.

...............

My family is disturbed..... if you made it this far, so are you

#funny #gross #poop #list #weird