The Most Honest Horoscope You'll Ever Read

It is believed that Babylonian astronomers were the first ones to develop the 12 zodiac signs that can be found in artifacts as old as the 6th century. Horoscopes came not too long after. We've been believing generalized predictions ever since.

Whether you believe in horoscopes or not, you have to admit that they can be fun to read. I have used "exact science" to create a completely, brutally honest horoscope

just for you.

Disclaimer: horoscopes may or may not become true, as "exact science" is in quotation marks. These horoscopes are the product of a really screwed up brain belonging to a fucking asshole that has been bored in an office all day with

no science being used what so ever.

Aquarius - January 20th through February 18th

You are typically a pretty laid back and easy going person. However, as the planet Uranus lines up with that one star over there, you will be tempted to be a real jerk. Try to control your temper the best you can..but if the need truly arises, you might just have to slap a bitch

Pisces - February 19th through March 20th

The suns alignment with itself shows to be burning with death. Someone very close to you will die soon. Don't despair....

it isn't your fault (completely). Find comfort in your memories with them and know that they will haunt your ass tonight in your sleep

Aries - March 21st through April 19th

You have a lot of crap on your to-do list today, but procrastination is hitting hard. Accept the fact that you are just a loser and will most likely screw up the entire list anyway. Don't let it get you down though, your family accepted it a long time ago

Taurus - April 20th through May 20th

The moon's alignment with Jupiter is bringing the artist out in you. You may find a newly developed talent within yourself, use it. Just don't get your feelings hurt when it turns out that you suck at art, at least you had fun

Gemini - May 21st through June 20th

Ruled by the sign of the twins, you have a social spirit that craves companionship. You may find yourself acting needy as others tend to push you away. It's not because you're not a kindred spirit, it's because you stink like moth balls and ball sack. A simple shower and deodorant can really turn your life around

Cancer - June 21st through July 22nd

Today it seems that everyone around you is arguing over really dumb shit. You usually try to help by being the "middle-man", but I urge you to stay our of it. Watch from afar and assume that everyone got a hold of your mother's crack stash

Leo - July 23rd through August 22nd

You will run into a large, unexpected sum of money. Treat yourself sensibly, don't go overboard. For instance, only purchase one prostitute today instead of three. Your herpes infested genitals will thank you.

Virgo - August 23rd through September 22nd

Your moon aligns with the big dipper today. This means that dipshits all around you will be very quick to light your temper. Try your best to not murder them. Maybe a simple eye stabbing instead

Libra - September 23rd through October 22nd

Your tendency for self-pity will creep up on you today as Pluto spins around the sun sideways. Suck it up buttercup, stop crying in the office break room, and put on your big boy/girl panties.

Scorpio - October 23rd through November 21st

you will reach your goal of goat raping very soon. Your determination will see you to it. Resist your urge to go to the barns during the daylight, however. Use the moonlight to guide you to it. Just know that God is watching you, you sick fuck

Sagittarius - November 22nd through December 21st

you may be tempted by an extravagant purchase today as Venus collides with a tiny green star. Remember the value of a dollar, and the fact that your electric is getting ready to be shut off. Fight the temptation and finish that bowl of Ramen you forgot in the microwave. It's okay, money is not why people don't like you. People don't like you because you're kind of a douchebag

Capricorn - December 22nd through January 19th

with Saturn being your ruling planet, you often feel restricted in your daily life. It's okay to let loose once in awhile. Take a night out with the girls/boys and have fun. Just don't do that one thing you did on your last night out. That shit was some messed up stuff, Actually, no...don't go out. We don't need to find you in the gas station parking lot with that rooster again.