The Sense of Manners

Manners .. one of those words we know and use just because. Not much thought really put into it. It's just been drilled into our heads from the time we could talk and we pass them down to our own minions.

If you really think about it though, what is the reasoning behind what we consider polite? Society seems to have the "that's just the way it is" sort of thinking and no one gives it all a second thought.... except for me.

Call me a hoosier (most people do), but I never saw a need to enforce all "manners" on my family if they didn't make sense. Of course, it makes sense not to smack your food like a cow or lick the serving spoon (when anyone is looking).

I mean, some of those things that no one has a good reason behind it.

FOR INSTANCE ...

Elbows on the Table

When my daughter was little and first started going to Girl Scout camps, the leaders there taught her that if you put your elbows on the meal table, you were smashing the mess hall fairies. Thankfully, my blonde sunshine was so used to people being full of shit that she just thought it was funny. I think she may have gotten in trouble for purposely trying to smash the invisible fairies to make other little girls cry.

Anyway, psycho kid aside... for what purpose is this dumb rule? Are you shoving your plate into other people's space? Are you using your elbows as some weird ass drum stick? NO...most likely not.

So where did it come from? Castles in England in the middle ages had tables that were made of trestles covered with a cloth (basically a beam with a couple legs). Everyone sat on one side of the table. Resting your elbows on it could cause the entire thing to collapse. So unless you have a rigged table from the middle ages, your elbows are fine right where they are.

Having to Say 'Bless You' When Someone Sneezes

You sneeze at your desk when someone from the back of the office yells "bless you" like they're saving your life or something. Then you're expected to respond 'thank you'. It just seems like so much unnecessary conversation over a dust particle in your nostril. I'd much rather be left alone to deal with my own snot situation, thanks. Honestly, what do people think they are accomplishing with this, other than acknowledging they heard someone else's bodily function?

There's a few theories on where this one started, but the most common is that it used to be thought that your heart would momentarily stop when you sneezed. By saying "bless you", it would be some nonsense way to keep them from going to hell, I guess. The truth is, your heart doesn't do a damn thing except continue doing its job. It's a good friend like that. So please, just shut up and hand me a Kleenex.

Holding Doors Open at the Gas Station

This gesture shows that chivalry isn't dead after all. However, unless the door is held open at just the right time, I feel rushed to get to the door quick enough to warrant your time holding it open. It gets all awkward as you look me in the eye as I speed walk to go inside before the door holder. I'm not handicapped, we can avoid this whole thing by just walking in and letting me figure out this whole door opening thing by myself.

It gets even dumber on my way out of the convenient mart if a man will hold the door open for me to walk out. Yes, very sweet. Thank you and shit, but now I have an obligation to use that door that you're holding open. The problem? There's 2 fucking doors and now I have to use the door with the inconvenient placement because you're holding it open and I'm just a giant bitch if I don't. Just walk in the 'in' side, let me walk out the 'out' side and go about our days.

Why do we do this song and dance? Remember back when women wore huge frilly dresses with the wire hoops in them that made it damn near impossible to function? Well, maybe not remember them, but seen them in history books and movies. Women literally could not open doors by themselves without incident. I'm pretty sure my yoga pants and Beavis & Butthead

T-shirt allow me plenty of movement and chances are all of that rushing to the door I just did worked up a silent fart for you to walk through behind me.

No Hats Indoors

This one is common among the country boys. You'll never see a good redneck wearing his camo ball cap at the dinner table or walking into someone's home.

Are you saying that if I have a gigantic pussing sore on my bald scalp, you would rather see that than a simple hat? What if someone is having the ultimate bad hair day and you'll be made to carry on a conversation with that person trying not to notice the big wad of tangles next to their ear?

What is so wrong with this accessory? It comes from the time of the Knights. These guys were considered aggressive and unapproachable if they didn't show their faces to the general public indoors, so they were asked to lift their visors and show their unexpectedly friendly faces. So unless you've been knighted recently, spare us all your hat hair.

Ladies Don't Fart

It is apparently common knowledge that if you have a penis, it is acceptable for you to rip ass as needed. If you are a "lady", you are expected to squeeze those cheeks until you are in the privacy of your own home (this sounds dangerous to me). There must be something in a man's digestive system that makes this double standard okay.

NO... women fart, it's natural. And guess what, we fucking burp and pick our boogers too. Don't be jealous that my fart was a 9 on the funny scale and yours was a mere 6.5.

Why are women expected to pretend to not have gas? I'm not even researching this one... it's that stupid. Take that delectably fragile flower idea and shove it where your farts come out.